Motivational Monday, When the heck was that?!!

Motivational Monday has come again, that dreaded day of the week. I hate thinking of motivators because really, I chose to do this to be healthy. Yeah, there were factors, but I never thought my weight loss would go this far. I sold myself short thinking that I'd just like to get into the 180's. I'd just like to no longer be obese. I never truly believed I would get there or that it would be so easy. Yes, I have to eat right and work for it, but is that so hard? I guess if you have no self discipline it could be. I've found a happy medium and so far I haven't slowed down.

This Monday my motivator is the desire to fit into the old clothes from my early high school post junior high days. The last size I can accurately remember were 14's. I wore a size 14/16 when I met my high school boyfriend. I was 14 wearing a size 14 when I started high school and when I graduated I was 18 and wearing a size 16. My boyfriend was a huge fast food junkie and he never drank water. It was pop or nothing for him. So of course I pretty much went from walking to see friends and eating what Mom had at home, to riding to and from school in a car, and eating whatever he chose for dinner that night. I wasn't at home much and my health went out the door too.

I'm currently between a size 10/12 and I can't remember wearing that size. I'm sure it was in junior high, I'm talking early teens here. I know that I always thought I was fat. I always hated my body. I know that when I sat down I felt embarrassed and ashamed of my legs. I had chunky thighs. I hated it. I don't know when I truly gave up and thought I was just destined to be fat so why try? Regardless, I'm getting healthy and I'm back to where I was then. Whenever then was.

Current weight: 181.6lbs
Goal weight: 159lbs
Weight to go: 22.6lbs

Just a side note, not related to tonight's post, over my long weekend I watched several BBC documentaries and one was, "I'm a teen anorexic". I hate to say it, but I find I can identify with a lot of what those girls were going through. I've hated my body since I was young. Food, eating it, was never an issue with me. It was always how I saw myself that was the issue. These girls see themselves and fat. Ugly. Unworthy. Their need to avoid food and exercise beyond what's normal is easy to understand. I don't starve myself to lose the weight. But I can identify with how they feel. It was sad to see them suffer with how they see themselves. Perhaps it's body dismorphia that I feel, but I cannot see what others see. I still see 259lbs Yvette and not what I am now. I really hope that it will change. But I cannot see how far I've come and all I can see is how far I have yet to go. That really scares me.