My Wednesday weigh in was a bust. I expected it, but it wasn't because I wasn't trying. This happens EVERY month. I weigh in one last time, only to see my weight go up and up and up until I've suddenly gained 5-7 lbs. I know it will go away, but the point of this new lifestyle change has been to lose weight, not gain it. Still, I'm not gonna give in to cravings or the bad eating habits that others flaunt in front of me.
I'm preparing to purchase another size of work pants this weekend. The backside of my pants are hanging like I had a rear, and now it's deflated. Like a worn out balloon. It looks, simply put, terrible. I'm currently wearing a size 12 and I will be getting a size 10. I cannot remember wearing a size 10. I remember wearing a size 14, but never a 10. I must have always been chubby and been blissfully unaware. But isn't that the definition of childhood? Blissfully unaware and without a care in the world.
Last night I laid in bed feeling my legs. Sounds weird right? But my legs have always been the part of my body that I hated. I have always thought I had fat thighs. I can remember being younger than 10 and thinking that when I sat down, my thighs doubled and it was so awful. I don't know what made me hate myself at such a young age, but I have never stopped feeling that way about some of my body parts. Regardless, last night I lifted my leg up while I lay in bed, and I felt all the muscle I've made. It's amazing. If only I didn't have that extra skin that hangs. If feels deflated and wrong. Like it shouldn't be on my leg. Maybe one day, the majority of it will be gone. For now, it's a reminder of what used to be.
I can only hope that the hard work I'm putting in will help me deal with the way I've felt about myself for so long. I'm a woman, not a child. My perception of what is "perfect" or "ideal" has changed and is more realistic. I will not look like a runway model. I don't want to in fact. I want a body that looks healthy, not just thin. I want to feel like a million bucks. Not look like it. I know I'll still have loose skin and stretchmarks when I'm done, and I'm ok with that. But what I'd love, is to look in the mirror and love what I see. I'm willing to work for it. I'm committed. I'm ready.
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